Totally Twisted
by butterchicken
Summary: Things aren't always as they seem... aren't they? (Warning, drug use)


Mario leapt over Bowser, avoiding the hammers and fireballs coming straight towards him.

Upon reaching the normal ax, he slashed through the tethers holding up the bridge, then smiled, satisfied, as Bowser sank into the lava below. Progressing further, he saw, to his delight, Princess Peach Toadstool waiting for him.

"Princess!" He called out, happily, "it's-a me! Mario!"

Peach beamed happily in response. "Thank you, Mario." Peach happily exclaimed.

Mario went to kiss her... but everything went black...

"You're really sick, you know!"

Mario opened his eyes in surprise. He was no longer in Bowser's castle, he was... back home? Before he could process what was happening, he heard a faint click and felt some metal wrap around his wrists. Looking down, to his horror, he was handcuffed!

"What's going on?" He asked in surprise. "Princess! Where are you?"

"I told you! Don't call me that!" A familiar voice rang.

Looking up in surprise, Mario saw an angry Pauline glaring down at him. Her eyes were red and bloodshot like she was crying.

"What's going on?" Mario asked.

"Sir!" An officer began, "you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be held against you."

"But I was just saving the Princess from the evil King Koopa!" Mario exclaimed.

"You psycho!" Pauline screamed, lunging towards him, but an officer caught her and held her back.

"Hutch, go search the river."

A third officer nodded and began to hunt for something.

"I can't believe you!" Pauline screamed again. "You just couldn't accept that I moved on, and you decided to kill my boyfriend?"

She burst into tears again. "What am I going to tell his children? Their last remaining parent has been pushed off a bridge by this... mushroom addict!"

The police angrily turned back to Mario.

"Frisk him." One began.

As Mario got frisked, and Pauline screamed at him more, Mario began to piece some things together before he entered the mushroom Kingdom...

Flashback

"Oh, Mario..." Pauline purred as she flopped next to him, wearing just a skimpy nightgown. "Another puff, please?"

Mario took a long drag from the joint he was smoking, then turned to Pauline. Pressing his mouth to hers, he slowly exhaled into her mouth, causing her to giggle. "You know what I mean."

Mario laughed in response and handed her his joint.

"Princess... do you know how hot you are right now?"

Pauline strategically moved her dyed blonde hair behind her in a way that made Mario want her even more and purred.

"I have something new for us to try." Mario added, kissing Pauline's exposed shoulders, every now and then sucking on her arm and leaving hickeys.

"Mm... what have you got for me now?" She asked, slowly exhaling the smoke.

Mario got up and went to get a box. Opening it, he revealed it was filled with magic mushrooms.

"Share one?" He asked, holding it out.

Pauline took the mushroom and ate half, giving the other half to Mario.

The next while was blank, but Mario remembered waking up near a giant, dead ape, and Pauline was crying uncontrollably.

After a few weeks of awkwardness, Pauline finally told Mario that she was done with him.

End flashback

"That psychotic..." Pauline hissed angrily as she went to the police station to fill out the report.

After the incident with the ape, (Mario and her accidentally released him from the zoo, then Mario went crazy and tried to reenact King Kong. Pauline was a able to snap out of it and escape but the poor ape didn't stand a chance) it was enough of a wake up call for Pauline to quit the drugs.

Whenever she tried to talk to Mario about it, he would stare blankly at her and continue to do whatever the drug of the hour was.

After the fifteenth failed attempt, Pauline decided that, as much as she loved Mario, if he was going to endanger her again, she didn't need him.

After a few trips in and out of rehab, she was able to get her life back on track: she got a job at a small corporation and after a bit of time, made her way to the top. She let her hair go back to brown, and she even fell in love with her coworker, Cooper!

After a bit of initial awkwardness between the two, Pauline and Cooper were going steady, and Pauline was even a second mother to Cooper's eight children.

After a few months of dating, Cooper let Pauline move in with him.

One night, one of Pauline's friends had come to her, telling her that Mario was looking for her. As the rest of Pauline's friends did too, Pauline started to get scared. Did Mario know of her new life? Her new lover? There was no way, and if he did, he wouldn't do anything... right?

After filling out the police report, and answering questions, (Mario found Cooper and pushed him off a bridge) Pauline headed back to her house, not sure how she would tell the eight beautiful children that they were now orphans.

Nervously opening the door, her heart sunk as the youngest, Junior, hopped into her arms.

"Mama!" He exclaimed. "Where's Papa?"

Pauline gulped. "Children... I need to tell you all something."

In no time, the eight children were in the living room, looking up anxiously at Pauline.

She took a couple deep breaths before beginning. "Your father is..." before she could finish, there was a knock on the door.

"One second." Pauline began.

Opening the door, to her delight, Cooper was there with a police officer! And even though he was slightly scratched up and bruised, he was okay!

"Cooper!" Pauline screamed, hugging him tight. "I thought I lost you."

"It's okay, Polly. I'm here." Cooper replied, stroking her hair.

"However," the officer replied. "Mario escaped. We're looking everywhere for him, but we feel we may need to put you and your family into witness protection."

Cooper and Pauline looked at each other. They knew it was for the best, and it would guarantee the safety of their children.

"Kids?" Cooper began, "we're going on vacation!"

Hiding in a sewer, Mario listened carefully for any police.

At least he finally defeated Bowser and Peach was safe again.

Reaching into a hidden pocket, he pulled out another mushroom and ate it.

"Mario!" A familiar voice called out.

Mario opened his eyes and saw Toad standing in front of him.

"Bowser kidnapped Peach again!"

Mario smiled heroically. "I'll save her." He exclaimed.


End file.
